Why not?

 Why not ?

This has always been my response when I was asked why. Not in a tone of defiance but in a tone of curiosity at times and a flippant amusement at others.

I am writing this from my room in My Fortune, Chennai - an ITC hotel . What am I doing staying the weekend in a hotel that is literally 5 minutes from where I live? Ah that is the story  I am setting out to write ! :)

Last February, Kripa and I made a Kashmir trip and stayed at the Pine and Peak in Pahalgaum. It was our first holiday after graduation - so we are talking first holiday in 30 years. We chose the property because a) it was an ITC property and b) it had great reviews. But unfortunately, while everything else went brilliantly well, our stay did not owing to some major renovation being done and a few other things. we were quite upset but we were determined to not let it ruin our trip, so we focused on what was going well. 

But my middle-class heart would not let it go. I came back home and wrote a long email to the hotel and explained the background and our disappointment. And this is where a brand like ITC stands apart. They go the extra mile to make it up to the customer. They very kindly offered me a two-day voucher in any of their equivalent hotels. Now most people would be embarrassed and say let it go...why do you want it? my response was why not?

I held on to the voucher and told Kripa to plan a trip to madras so we could use it. But with the Covid second wave, and work being what it has been after that, that never happened. So, I decided to use the voucher myself.  

I checked in yesterday grinning gleefully. Most of the staff here know me. They also know I live hardly five minutes away.  I am sure seeing me checking in on my own was a bit of a puzzle. After all it made sense for someone to check into a hotel if it was to execute a clandestine rendezvous :) but this was clearly just me....and I am sure they were wondering why I was doing it. My response , why not?

I was delighted when I walked into the room. This is simply fabulous. There is an old-world charm to this hotel and of course this is also the hotel I have been coming to since I was 8 years old. There is something familiar and comforting about the vibe because of those memories.

I remember learning to swim in the pool. I smile at that memory because that was also when my uncle had broken his leg. And he was doing his physiotherapy in the water. He asked me “nondi kaal oda race ku varaiya” I still remember how my little heart did a little jig at the prospect of beating my uncle at something. Obviously, I agreed. Obviously, I lost. And that’s the best part of our family. There is no concession made for ability or lack thereof. There was no outrage expressed that a 24 year old uncle competed with an eight year old girl and beat her. Resilience was expected of us and that was that. As I stood looking at the same pool, I smiled at how that resilience has continued to stand me in good stead.

I did the Facebook live from my room and I am going to be doing the Instagram live also from here. Maybe I will do it from the same pool that has so many memories for me 😊

I woke up this morning at my usual time and realised that I would have to wait until 7 am for my coffee. So I thought to myself, "why not go get coffee next door."

I picked up my key and walked to Hotel Maris

Ah now there is another place which is a treasure trove of memories. All the staff there know me too because that is where Appa used to stay every time he came from Trichy. We are talking about someone staying in the same hotel from 1970’s until 2012. They have now redone the hotel, but the restaurant still has the same vibe.

Someone walked up to serve me and despite his mask I could see he was delighted to see me. It was Balaiah, the waiter who had joined the hotel as a boy. He said “It has been so long since we saw you. Ever since Appa …” and he paused.

I felt a little lump in my throat as I was reminded of the loss I live with but I could see how fond he had been of Appa and that was soothing. Another waiter came joined us and we spoke for a bit about how Appa used to walk and how he used to talk to them. As I drank my coffee, I smiled at  the unexpected trip down memory lane that reminded me that Appa had been loved by so many different people.

I strolled out after coffee and decided to walk home to drop in on Periamma and Periappa. Gleefully told them I was staying in Chola. They know me well enough by now to not be puzzled or surprised at the things I do. 😊 in fact, they cheer me on. Periamma said “Why not!” and I grinned back  at her thinking , “hah ..what spirit for an 86 year old” When I told them I had had coffee in Hotel Maris, Periappa had this amused look and said “your dad and I have spent many an evening there.” We all laughed and I said “Yes, yes, I have heard those stories too!” Appa had told me about how in their 30’s he and Periappa used to hang out at the bar there. And now as I look at my 91 year old periappa, I feel a rush of affection for shared memories.

My sister walked in, looking resplendent in a golden yellow and green silk sari and I went “ooh you look gorgeous. Suthippodu” and she went “Pffft!!” at me 😊 She was off for a wedding in Pondichery and she went into the kitchen to get some fruits to take with her for the journey.

I traipsed behind her and asked her if I could be picked up from the hotel on Monday since I had a suitcase  but didn’t have a car. Again, no surprise no shock no curiosity even. She said “ok, I’ll ask the driver to come.” (Although I must confess, even though I knew she wasn't thinking that, I felt obliged to explain what I was doing so she didn't worry that I was doing a secret romantic rendezvous 😊)

I came back to the hotel for breakfast. Had a fabulous one . Ranjith, (the F&B manager I think) came in to greet me and I chimed “I am staying here” He had this patient look as he said “yes I know” 

I picked up my food from the buffet and one of the staff, came and said “I hope you are enjoying your stay ma’am” and I said “yes thank you” and I couldn’t help adding “You do know I live five minutes away” hoping for a “oh really?” but instead what I got was “yes ma’am I know”

As I write this, I am still bursting with glee.

I realise that for some reason the fact that I have checked into a hotel that is five minutes away from home, simply so I could use the voucher before it expired, is something that is a tremendous source of amusement to me. And most people must be wondering why I am making such a big deal about it.

And most people would know my response to it

Why not?

And if you want a visual recap of what I have written , here is a one minute video :) I haven't done a voice over for this because I think what I have written above will serve as a voice over in your mind 

#KeepYourLifeSunnySideUp

Tantrums on the plane

I am writing  this on a flight to Hyderabad.

Thank goodness this is a short flight cos I have a terribly badly behaved child in the seat behind me.

I would have been quite happy to put up with a cranky child under five. It's difficult to soothe them when they are in a strange environment and I get it.

What I don't get is why parents would allow a child of about 6 or 7 to behave the way he was behaving.

It started with him yelling in a nagging voice about something. The mother firmly asked him why he was yelling and could he not speak normally. He quietened immediately. I was relieved - although I later realised it was too premature to have assumed that the flight was going to be a peaceful one

As the flight started he started saying "Aaaaaaaaa" in a loud voice allowing his voice to warble with every bump on the runway.  As the flight took off, so did his voice.. He hit a shrill high note which stopped abruptly. I wondered if something had happened to him when he reassured me of his existence by rhythmically kicking the back of my seat while he demanded for something to eat.

The mother dropped his tray table down and started unpacking some food. He started slamming the tray table up and down. I turned and said "ma'am could you please ask him not to slam the tray table so hard?"

The mum was completely unapologetic and said "OK" and told him something in Telugu. I understood enough of the language to understand that he was asking what I would do if he didn't stop

I hoped his mum would tell him something sufficiently horrifying. But before she could answer him, another baby wailed loudly from the front of the plane. This boy decided he would mimic the baby and started yelling "aaaaaah" for every "woahhhhh" the baby made. Baby goes "woaahhh" boy goes "aaaah - baby goes "woahhh" boy goes "aaaah"

I stifled my laughter for I did feel more exasperation than amusement. But the gentleman in the seat across wasn't amused in the slightest. He turned and glared at the boy and even through the man's shield and mask the boy could make out the unspoken threat I guess. He piped down. But not for long. He started slamming the tray table again and snorting and making spitting noises. I wondered if he had a developmental issue but it didn't appear so as he was quite clear in the way he communicated with his mum when he wanted water or wanted food. 
So I assumed it was just an astonishing display of bad behaviour which his mum ignored. In between, the bad behaviour would escalate into a tantrum and the mum continued to ignore it. I wonder if this was her coping strategy? I have always held that ignoring bad behaviour - be it in adults or in children, never got us good results. But for this mum hope was a strategy I guess!!

I felt something poke my hand and I turned to find the brat grinning at me through the gap in the seat. I'm usually a sucker for kids and would have smiled back but I had had enough of this kid's bad behaviour so I smiled briefly (which he couldn't make out cos of my mask) and turned back.

The man across turned again and glared long and hard at the boy. The boy immediately turned to look out the window and started singing rhymes and thumping the window, an occasional kick delivered to the back of my seat to punctuate an important part of the line in the rhyme

When he stuck his leg through the gap in the armrest and kicked me, I grabbed his leg by the shoe and firmly lifted his leg and put it back. I could hear him complaining to his mum and I really hoped she wasn't going to say something to me cos I was fast losing patience.

The lights came on and he gave a big yell making me nearly jump out of my skin. I realised he was cheering that the flight was landing and I silently cheered as well. 

Honestly, there was no way I would have, as a six year old gotten away with such behaviour. Forget everything else, if I'd kicked some stranger with my shoe, my parents would have made me apologise and of course I'd have gotten a whack for sure.

But we live in different times. And discipline isn't exerted in the same way. Children are different. Parents are busy.

All I can say is I don't understand how such behaviour is acceptable and I can only thank my stars that this was a short flight !!

Relationships are like furniture

 

As we go through life , we come across so many things that change our world - change US. And as we continue to change and cope with what life throws us, we sometimes forget that our relationships change too. And that we need to position them in our life accordingly

I was a believer of happy ever after until life taught me otherwise. Now I know that there is heartbreak, betrayal and hurt...but i also know that I am happy now. Who knows about the future. 

I look around my living room and I see the furniture. Some are there for a purpose, some because they are incredibly comfortable, some because they have sentimental value. But there is an order that reflects what works best, In order to understand what is the most comfortable arrangement, we need to look at what we need, right?

And I wonder if the same analogy can be applied to our relationships. That comfortable chair which we have been keeping in the corner for so many years but have not sat on , that broken moda that ruined my back, that cushion that is there looking pretty but is of no use to either me or my guests...all these seem to find parallels in the relationships in my life.

A childhood friend of mine ghosted me ten years ago. At that time I felt a whole range of emotions - from anger hurt and bewilderment. And for ten years I knew that if I ever met him, I would not wish to rekindle the relationship. But I was always curious as to how I would feel if ever I saw him. As luck would have it he turned up at a common friend's event and I distinctly recall the moment I registered his presence. The first thought was "ah so the time has come. "

He came up to me and called me by the name that only my family use and asked me how I was. And that is when I knew that I felt nothing for him. Not even anger or hurt.

I smiled politely at him and exchanged pleasantries and moved on. I made it clear that he no longer would receive the warmth that is the signature element in all my interactions. 

And I felt no guilt. Relationships have to be sustained, invested and nurtured.  If sweeping things under the carpet is the preferred modus operandi, I wanted none of it. After all a lumpy carpet in the living room is hardly appealing.

The same applied for another friend who defended the ghosting person but criticised my partner. I felt no anger just a disappointment that they no longer knew who I was and what made me happy.

To realise that that very old friendship is actually not what I thought it was is painful and disappointing but when you realise that I had clung on to an image of the friendship but had not connected as much or invested in it, then it is only natural that it is no longer in alignment with the person I am. The best part though, is knowing that, doesn't mean I do not love them any more. It is just that I understand that it was comfortable, it was great and loving - it was all that I needed for the person that I was. And I have to respect that. 

But the person I am now doesn't quite belong there.

Many of us would feel guilty .But it is important to accept that friendships are not always forever. Things change and it is ok. You may not want to spend as much time with someone very close. That is ok too. You might want some distance . That is also ok.

As long as there is no hate, malice, hurt or anger associated with these actions , it is absolutely ok. I am not saying that it is not ok to feel the emotions I mention. I am saying if we do feel it we need to examine why we feel that and address it. For if we do not address those emotions, they will chip away at our happiness and peace of mind. 

So I move through life. Rearranging the relationships in my life...much like the furniture in my living room. Some get pride of place, some get relegated to another room, Some get polished and lovingly maintained and some get discarded  and some stay  in the living room but get moved out of the way so we can move freely. And it is all ok.

Life's living room is a changing landscape that has to be one that is comfortable while reflecting who we are. 

Keep Your Life Sunny Side Up

Commitment to Happiness

A comment on my workout post said “It takes commitment to be happy”  (thank you Mani Subramanian)and it stopped me right on my tracks. There was something really compelling about that statement.

Granted it is something many may have heard before. But I hadn’t and it delved deep into me and prodded me to ..well just stop and absorb it.

And the next comment spurred me on even more (thank you Nirmala Isaac) which was about how we have to make a commitment to being happy. And immediately I wondered…is the commitment to happiness? Or will having a commitment to many things that lead to happiness keep us happy.

I couldn’t wait to sit and think about it.

Yes, I know, I am a bit weird like that . I like to analyse these things and look into my own behavior to see what I do and how and why I do them.

When people say “you are always happy , although I self deprecatingly joke “I am a good actor” , that is only partly true. Gone are the days when I used to pretend to be happy. Now when I am happy it just ..well, it glows from me . and when I am unhappy ..i sulk. And then sit down and try and figure out what is causing that and I try and set it right.

But coming back to the statement. I wondered which applied to me. Am I committed to being happy or do I have a series of commitments that are the building blocks to my happiness. The more I thought about it the more felt convinced that the scale was tilted towards the latter.

I mean, I do want to be happy – who doesn’t? But I take it a step further by focusing on the things that keep me happy. So, what are the commitments I make?

1.      I commit to hunt for the bright side: This is not me deluding myself that everything is fine. What I find myself doing is this. When things go wrong, I acknowledge that it is going wrong. But somehow my brain always picks on one aspect that could have made it worse and say “well at least that didn’t happen”

The lightest example would be when my old Tata Sierra I was driving, had a breakdown in the middle of the road with smoke and fire coming out from under the bonnet (this was way back in 2006) and while I was scared and definitely embarrassed , the first thought after I got out of the car was “Thank goodness the engine didn’t explode and that a passer by had the presence of mind to dive in and switch off the ignition” (no, the panicked and scared driver didn’t think of it…she just stopped the car and jumped out. – yes face palm moment that!)

The darkest example of this would be something that happened much later. I feel the years of practice built me up to that point. This was in 2017 when appa passed away in my arms. Close on the heels of the intense grief and shock, even while I was reeling from it, a voice in my head said “this was the only kind of death acceptable to you. You could not have borne it if he had passed away in a flight, or alone in Madras or even on the drive from the airport” And as bizarre as that might sound, as the years went by, that turned to be the source of comfort about one of the worst moments in my life.

2.      I commit to take responsibility for my actions. I don’t blame anyone else to make failure easy for me. I take full responsibility. But I also accept that it is not a blame that I accept. It is responsibility. And if I can correct my course, I do. If it is too late, I feel bad, I feel sorry for myself and then I move on. Which neatly segues into my next commitment

3.      I commit to not wallow in self pity longer than absolutely necessary- yes I do like a bit of self pity now and then. But just like chocolate, it has to be in moderation. So, I allow it to wash over me and then once it’s done, I pick myself up and move on.

4.      I commit to working on a better version of myself : I can definitely say I am a better person now than I  was 20 years ago. And once again, it is not me fooling myself. I know exactly where I have changed and how. It has not been easy but it certainly has become a habit. To keep chipping away at the rough edges.

5.      I commit to taking care of myself with no guilt. This is something I learnt how to do only in my mid thirties but boy! Is it liberating! I learnt how to say “No I am taking a break” “I am taking a holiday” or even “I don’t want to look at that now. I am tired.” I focus on my health. I eat sensibly – well most of the time. And when I indulge – I do so unabashedly. I track my mental wellbeing and the moment feel unease I am on alert to check what it is that is bothering me and I address the issue as soon as I can.

6.      I commit to love and warmth in my interactions : I learnt long ago that being affectionate towards others in general makes ME happier than it does them. I haven’t really explored the why of this and I might do it one of these days but right now let’s just add it to my list. Of course, I don’t indiscriminately do this – I cannot feel affection to someone who is being a boor or a bully. But a normal interaction, I tend to usually have a greater degree of affection and warmth than the average person.

7.      I commit to admitting that my rule book changes. Now this is a crucial one. Cos when life changes you need to change along with it. An approach that worked for me in the 20’s no longer works now that I am approaching fifty. When I was younger, I would have stuck to the approach because I had externally committed that this is how I would deal with something.  But now I don’t take those kinds of pressures. I am more comfortable saying yes that approach was then. This is now. Now this feels right. I accept that there is no universal right or wrong in most things. It is just what is right for me.

So those are my thoughts that were triggered from those two comments. I thought it might be interesting to do some research and document it and create a sunny side up video but I enjoyed looking within and identifying what I do. So this turned into a blog post instead 😊

And as always, whatever I do on social media is done with the sole motive of sharing what I have learnt or discovered in the hope that it might help someone else.

So, if it helps you in any way 😊 I am glad. If it doesn’t, I am still glad cos I have documented what being committed to happiness means to me and somewhere down the line when I falter , which I am sure I will, I will have this to guide me back to my happy place.

LockDown, Narratives & Relationships

This lockdown has given all of us plenty of time  - to do, to be ..to think..to think and to think :)

And when you have the time to think, i feel it is very important that we keep our narratives as real as possible. And when i say real, i mean as close to the impartial truth as possible.

When I hear people say something along the lines of  "The world has been unkind to me and given me this broken arm but i still find the joy in small things in life"  I feel the narrative draws attention to the negative part and somehow i feel the focus also is on that part.

Maybe it is just me being cynical :) But i ask you this...

What stopped the person from simply saying "i enjoy the small things in life?" Why tag on how unfair life has been? and isn't it true that when one's narrative is "How unfair life has been" one starts looking at life through those lenses and isn't it also true that we find what we look for?

When i read Aarti Rajarathnams blog on Toxic relationships, it set me thinking.

Having seen more than my fair share of relationships I asked myself what was my narrative?

I looked at all the people that i have travelled with.

I specifically looked at the ones who either drifted away or were relegated to a less important circle. And i looked at my narrative about them.

The two things that this lockdown has taken away from us is Control and Connection. And that is what i think shakes most of us. There isn't any firm end in sight either- so here we are - forced to give up control over our lives and disconnect physically from those we love.  The stress of togetherness or the desolation of distance - with the additional pressure of uncertainty is worrying away at the fabric of our relationships. And many are having to realign and adjust and recalibrate.

For me, a kind of lockdown started when Amma and Appa passed away. And even then, much like now, i had to do those three things.

There were relationships both within the family and outside that changed during this time. Despite knowing that i had had one of the biggest loss any person can face -( losing both parents within a span of a few months,) when people put their love for power, their fear of rocking the boat and their own priorities first and were unkind to me , I came up with a theory.

And i think maybe i should give it a special name :) :)

THE AH THEORY ON RELATIONSHIPS

1. There is no universal law that says everyone should care for me. 

2. There is therefore no law that says that just because they are family or friends, i need to tolerate unkind behaviour and allow them to continue to hurt me.

Yes, it hurt but once i realised those two things and that they were not going to change their perspective for me, Life became really simple. I changed mine.

I relegated those people to an outer circle. No.' i do not hate them. I genuinely feel that hating someone harms me more than it does them.  I just kind of move them a bit further away from me. That's all. They simply no longer feature in the "important relationships" list.

Once i did that, i looked long and hard at the relationships in my inner most circle. And made an assessment - were they really the people who should be in this circle? And i can tell you that as of now the answer is a resounding YES. Do i have anyone toxic in my close circle. And the answer, again as of now, is a resounding NO.

Relationships are messy - whether they are romantic ones, the ones with our parents, family, friends, co workers....And there is no right or wrong way of navigating the challenges that we face while we try to sustain them, but it might be a good idea to do regular maintenance checks for our relationships and ask ourselves - Are they good for me? Am i being used? Am i valued? All questions that we sometimes are afraid to ask . Because sometimes deep inside we know the answer to all those questions is not what we want to hear. Because it is easier to ignore bad behaviour. And sometimes simply because it is easier to just continue status quo.

But taking the easy way out never appealed to me. I like the right way - even if it is hard and painful and takes a lot of soul searching.

Because that approach has now ensured that the relationships i hold close are healthy, loving and generous ones.

And the best part is this - The ones that are not so are not hated or dumped but just relegated to a corner that is no longer important. I can still be with those people and smile and chat and spend time but I know their place - just as i know mine.

So my narrative about my relationships that have not gone the way I wanted them to is not "People always let me down." It is not "People leave me."

It is "I keep generous , loving and kind people in my closest circle" And that gives me an illusion of Control and keeps my Connnections in a happy place :) Works for me.

What's your narrative?

Calling Names

Shining the light -
but certainly not on my name!!

I have always wondered why the people in call centres change their names- why would Krishnan say his name was Chris and Vijayalakshmi say her name was Lucky? I thought it was such a futile exercise in attempting to get the caller to forget that he was dealing with an Indian and not someone from his/her own country. Or maybe it was because it makes it easier for the caller to pronounce it. I wonder what I would change MY name to if I were to work in a call centre and more importantly - whyMy name is easy come to think of it – anu is quite close to Ann so most people here in the UK end up calling me Ann-oo. Which is cute too. So maybe I wouldn’t have to change my name. (One of my friends from BITS calls me Annie and I love that too. Annie somehow creates a picture of genteel softness – a trait I am desperately short of  - but I have to remember Anu by any other name would..well..be the same!) 

Having worked on British sets the past few years, I have gotten used to being Ann-oo. Although the surname gets pronounced hussaan (hus – rhyming with bus and aan rhyming with Ann)I landed up on the sets yesterday and there was a new director. A big cheery energetic man whom I was meeting for the first time. I had worked with the same cast for two previous days and I was quite familiar with them. He was the only new person on the set and so we introduced ourselves – made the customary jokes and set about getting ready.About half an hour after we started working, I heard him call my name to give me directions. It sounded like “Abu” and I thought he had a cold. You know how it is – when your bose is blocked..and you cant seeb to be able to say agything clearly…(no they are not typos – that’s how sentences sound when you have a bad nose block)We continued working. But ten minutes later, when we had completed the scene, he came up to me and said “I loved what you were doing Abu. The reactions were perfect” I smothered a giggle and politely said “Thank you”

We moved on to the next scene. This time when he came to talk to me, my co actors heard him call me Abu and one of them snorted with laughter. I looked at the other who was going to correct the director and stopped him by shaking my head slightly. He paused – and changed his opening sentence to a cough and pretended to be looking for something when the director looked at him in askance.

After the director had gone off we all giggled at each other and I said “This is more fun – so let it be” (I didn’t say WHAT was because the mikes were all on and he would have heard me)And so it went on the whole day – with the director calling me Abu and the other actors pointedly calling me Abu as well at every chance they got. The poor man didn’t have a clue. He must have thought I was very popular to have everyone interacting with me so much!The day came to an end and I said bye and the director said “Abu, it was wonderful working with you – see you tomorrow” I smiled, thanked him and walked out to a chorus of “Bye Abu” from the rest of the cast.

I landed up for shoot the next day and as I walked on to the sets, the director looked at me and said “I am mortified! I have been calling you by the wrong name the whole of yesterday!”

Why this bear? cos i think its cute
No bears were harmed on the sets!

I burst out laughing and in between my giggles, said “I thought it was funny! “He gave me a mock glower and said “I’ve got your number now young lady! And you have given every one so much ammunition! They are NEVER going to let me live this down!”As he finished that sentence, in traipsed all four members of my family, chiming “good morning Abu” and hugging me and asking how Abu was.I was still laughing when the director rolled his eyes good naturedly and called for us to get ready. It was a particularly simple scene for me and as I finished that he looked at me and said “Good job Anu. Please tell Abu as well”I couldn’t help grinning at him.As the day came to an end and I said my goodbyes to everyone, I wasn’t quite sure that I didn’t prefer Abu to Anu – sounds cuter. Or maybe it is the memories of laughter and fun that I associate with it.

So now, I think I know what I would like to be called if I were to work in a call centre.