This lockdown has given all of us plenty of time - to do, to be ..to think..to think and to think :)
And when you have the time to think, i feel it is very important that we keep our narratives as real as possible. And when i say real, i mean as close to the impartial truth as possible.
When I hear people say something along the lines of "The world has been unkind to me and given me this broken arm but i still find the joy in small things in life" I feel the narrative draws attention to the negative part and somehow i feel the focus also is on that part.
Maybe it is just me being cynical :) But i ask you this...
Having seen more than my fair share of relationships I asked myself what was my narrative?
I looked at all the people that i have travelled with.
I specifically looked at the ones who either drifted away or were relegated to a less important circle. And i looked at my narrative about them.
The two things that this lockdown has taken away from us is Control and Connection. And that is what i think shakes most of us. There isn't any firm end in sight either- so here we are - forced to give up control over our lives and disconnect physically from those we love. The stress of togetherness or the desolation of distance - with the additional pressure of uncertainty is worrying away at the fabric of our relationships. And many are having to realign and adjust and recalibrate.
For me, a kind of lockdown started when Amma and Appa passed away. And even then, much like now, i had to do those three things.
There were relationships both within the family and outside that changed during this time. Despite knowing that i had had one of the biggest loss any person can face -( losing both parents within a span of a few months,) when people put their love for power, their fear of rocking the boat and their own priorities first and were unkind to me , I came up with a theory.
And i think maybe i should give it a special name :) :)
THE AH THEORY ON RELATIONSHIPS
1. There is no universal law that says everyone should care for me.
2. There is therefore no law that says that just because they are family or friends, i need to tolerate unkind behaviour and allow them to continue to hurt me.
Yes, it hurt but once i realised those two things and that they were not going to change their perspective for me, Life became really simple. I changed mine.
I relegated those people to an outer circle. No.' i do not hate them. I genuinely feel that hating someone harms me more than it does them. I just kind of move them a bit further away from me. That's all. They simply no longer feature in the "important relationships" list.
Once i did that, i looked long and hard at the relationships in my inner most circle. And made an assessment - were they really the people who should be in this circle? And i can tell you that as of now the answer is a resounding YES. Do i have anyone toxic in my close circle. And the answer, again as of now, is a resounding NO.
Relationships are messy - whether they are romantic ones, the ones with our parents, family, friends, co workers....And there is no right or wrong way of navigating the challenges that we face while we try to sustain them, but it might be a good idea to do regular maintenance checks for our relationships and ask ourselves - Are they good for me? Am i being used? Am i valued? All questions that we sometimes are afraid to ask . Because sometimes deep inside we know the answer to all those questions is not what we want to hear. Because it is easier to ignore bad behaviour. And sometimes simply because it is easier to just continue status quo.
But taking the easy way out never appealed to me. I like the right way - even if it is hard and painful and takes a lot of soul searching.
Because that approach has now ensured that the relationships i hold close are healthy, loving and generous ones.
And the best part is this - The ones that are not so are not hated or dumped but just relegated to a corner that is no longer important. I can still be with those people and smile and chat and spend time but I know their place - just as i know mine.
So my narrative about my relationships that have not gone the way I wanted them to is not "People always let me down." It is not "People leave me."
It is "I keep generous , loving and kind people in my closest circle" And that gives me an illusion of Control and keeps my Connnections in a happy place :) Works for me.
What's your narrative?
It is "I keep generous , loving and kind people in my closest circle" And that gives me an illusion of Control and keeps my Connnections in a happy place :) Works for me.
What's your narrative?
